Musing on "Lovingkindness Meditation"

My dog in the convertible in warmer days

          Today there is actual sunshine outside.  And that improves my inner narrative.  And I was successful in my attempt to get my tiny ten-pound dog to walk long enough to both pee and poop.  If he gets too cold, or if the snow is too deep, he just stops, sits, lifts his paws out of the snow, shivers, and looks up pitifully at me.  I pick him up and carry him home.

            This winter has been a challenge for both me and him, as it has remained below freezing for most of a month and it has snowed almost every day.  This means that every time I let him out to the backyard, I have to shovel a path for him, as even an inch of snow would be knee-deep to him.  He can’t go out for walks for long periods of time, because his past in a shelter left him with frostbite on his paws, and it is painful for him to walk very long in the snow or ice.

            So we muddle through winter together, he and I.  Every day at 3PM he dances, asking for a walk.  Every day I put him into three fleece layers, put on his leash, and we both exit the door with hope in our hearts.  Often the cold dashes our hopes to bits, but every day we try, ever hopeful.

            And I guess that’s how I view the Lovingkindness meditation.  It is ever-hopeful.  It is a prayer for self that asks for health, happiness, peace of mind, and the acceptance of love.  It is a prayer for loved ones to feel our love bestowed upon them, and accept our hope for their continued prosperity. And it is a prayer to learn to “love one’s enemies,” and forgive them “seventy times seven.”

            And of course, that’s the hard part about Lovingkindness meditation.  To visualize someone who has been at the least unkind, at the most, toxic in one’s life, and to sincerely wish them health, happiness, peace, and love.  During that particular meditation, I visualized a dear friend who, after years of close friendship, cut me out of his life with no explanation or warning.  It was a terribly painful time period in my life, a period he never acknowledged, apologized for, or for which he asked forgiveness.

            It is hard to love someone who hurts you, doesn’t acknowledge your pain, and doesn’t ask for forgiveness.  It is hard to wish them health, happiness, peace, and love.  When I think about my dog, I think, “he doesn’t mean to poop in the house because it’s too cold outside,” and I can forgive him.  But a human who recklessly and unapologetically runs roughshod over my life is someone else entirely.  They may deserve forgiveness in the abstract sense, but not in my visceral reality.

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           And so I come to the decision that although it is not easy,  “loving our enemies” is good for us.  It helps to heal us of our grudges and hostilities.  And in these dark political times, it seems like the only spiritual thing I can do to envision the scales of justice moving back to reverence for humanity and quality of life on the planet.  Yes, I can protest, I can march, I can vote, and I can call my representatives.  But none of those actions make me feel peaceful or hopeful—they do make me feel empowered, and as though “I’m doing something” about the chaos of our times.  But those actions leave me feeling unsettled, without hope, anxious, and fearful.  Every single day this week I’ve awakened to anxiety dreams, not due to my work or family, but due to our current political condition, and the certain harm it is doing to thousands of people in our country.  I’m hoping Lovingkindness mediation can help me calm my inner world and find hope while our planet is rotating itself towards summer in my hemisphere.

A little sunbathing right now would do a world of good.